Monday, May 26, 2008 ; 1:55 PM
Every friend of mine left a deep impact on me.
The memories that trail behind us are not just history,
But serves as a purpose that you were once part of my life,
sharing joys and enjoying each other's company.
The memories that trail behind us are not just history,
But serves as a purpose that you were once part of my life,
sharing joys and enjoying each other's company.
-guardian angel
Staring blankly ahead;
Just making my way through the crowd
; 1:13 PM
I was stunned,shocked...
a msg received from farid regarding my late friend,toh boon keong..
being a happy girl as i always potray on the outside,
i stunned for awhile..
and then resumed to..hey-you-must-be-kidding attitude..
but i msged mei sum asking for boon's number..
it was on 20th may 2008,just before dance started..
and a junior of mine actually asked me to teack 6-steps jazz walk in the dance studio..
my mind wasnt on teaching but on whether the news was true..i could not really focus..
then sha said"hey rab,ur friend called"
it was zul..i was like wth was he calling me up for..
besides those "prank" calls he used on me with his westernised accent..
this time no western accent..its just him...
he sounded sad..and down and serious..
this time..he told me the whole story..
about toh boon keong..
he read for me the article that was on the net..
i was like err..okay...
i sat at the stairs for awhile..and then went back in studio..
got a reply from mei sum regarding the unfortunate event..
i went in studio..and realised that i cant handle the emotions...
it started to erupt from me..
i told sha in broken words tt im gg out to cool myself..
i broke down at the stairs when reality seems to hit me...
i felt my heart just sank...
msging with meisum..who was gg to the wake that day..
asking if im going too.. i badly wanted to go..but was wearing a red shirt..
i missed him badly...
the next day..i went to the wake with my former classmates
lucy,wenyao,wee meng,susanti and luki...
i was in sucha state of denial..i didnt want to believe that he's gone..
we went to sin ming blk 37..
wen yao went up to the first wake he saw and asked if it was boon's wake...
i was lighted up again when i saw the photoframe wasn't his picture..
there was still a light of hope in me..
the thought of him still alive...and that they got the wrong person..
we continued walking..
and before i knew it..
I saw his picture on the photoframe..
the picture that i saw in his wallet back in secondary 4..
stubbornly,i still did not want to believe it...
we sat down gave the money to the mum...
put out bags and went to see him..
i was dying to see him again..
we went in...and i finally saw him resting there...
this time...i didnt see his smile anymore..
it was just him resting there with eyes closed..
thick make up...
i guessed the accident might be sucha blow that the scars were being covered with make up
my heart just sank there..
i could have cried my heart out but i did not..
i know i have to hang on..get a grip...
that was the last i saw of him...
on the table..he was offered his favourite roller coaster cracker...
before we left...we have the last look of him...
i miss him...
Labels: the wake of a friend
Staring blankly ahead;
Just making my way through the crowd
Friday, May 16, 2008 ; 10:08 PM
I want you to understand one thing.
I am a cheerleader for the underdogs.
Blacks. Gays. Canadians. The small. The timid. The weak.
I always root for the little guy. Hell, my favourite soccer player is John O’shea, he doesn’t get much action.
The rants I go off on aren’t for the "mats". I hope you know that.
They’re for the mothers who get 3 hours of sleep in order to make breakfast for their kids.
They’re for the gay kids who haven’t told a soul.
They’re for the women who sacrifice social lives so their kids won’t have to repeat that cycle.
They’re for the girls who throw up, not to be skinny, but so they have some sense of control.
They’re for the meek and embarrassed acne scarred faces.
I don’t know what you are. I only know what is right for me.
I have never told, said or promoted anyone to quit their jobs or drop out of school. I make a point to say this now. Please, get an education. The best investment you can make is in yourself.
If what makes you a full and happy person is getting that degree, do it.If being the best mother makes you smile at the end of the day, do it.
If lifting weights and doing pushups makes you have a nice sleep, do it.
If covering metal songs with your band makes you feel like a fucking artist, yo, get it on.
Just do something, because there are plenty of people in this world doing nothing. I don’t give a fuck what your job is. I don’t care what course you take in your freaking polytechnic. I know miserable, hateful, small and insecure "professionals" with expensive educations. And I know some of the most generous, faithful and compassionate people who sit behind desks in offices making calls. See, its not about what you have..It’s about what you're willing to give.
If you are the harvesters, the tourists, the takers, the ones who climb over the weak to "get theirs"..well, then you can get fucked in my book.But if you are the givers, the shoulders, the extended hands..You have my adoration.
Just because you choose a more traditional path doesn’t make you wrong. It just means that more people pat you on the back and tell you you're doing a great job. And that’s fine. Perfect, if that makes you smile at the end of the night. You don’t need me to cheer you on; you have enough people in your section. But see, I rant for the underdogs. The ones who choose a different path. One that is looked down upon, scoffed at and called 'irresponsible'.Because I’m sick of meeting so many faces full of insecurity and regret because no one believes in their dreams and no one ever told them the words of encouragement they so desperately crave.
Sure, you're right, I’ll admit I can’t write my way out of a paper bag. I’m just a spaz and a criminal who never learned how to keep his mouth shut. But see, I don’t mind much..because after the football players, fans and yuppies have their evening, I am still here, sitting in the cheap seats and screaming to the kids who clean the field, "i fucking believe in you."
And I’ll keep putting my sloppy and uneducated words in blogspot and fanzines for all the kids who don’t get the hugs, high fives and pats on the back.
Because there are still kids who believe in me.
keep on li/loving,
zul-
Staring blankly ahead;
Just making my way through the crowd
Monday, May 12, 2008 ; 8:34 PM
i hadnt been free enough to blog...
well a quickie on my life...
it hasnt been great ..i admit..
FYPs sucha nuisance...
it could have been a fun thing but had a "anal" lecturer..
who is bent on "do-it-fast-cuz-u-have-no-time" concept...
ive been trying my best to maximise my time usage...
my time is bloody precious...
every possible free time is spent on sleeping...
but however..somethings lacking..the fact that i dun look kinda happy...
ASD was saying i sound sad on the phone...
ugh...i don't like it when ppl say tt of me..tho it may be the truth...
im just tired..
and if i could sleep for one whole day...
i'd be glad....
however despite my busy life....
my friendship and social life has been soaring...
and that a thing i would love to continue...
okay all in all...
i miss my smile...
(haks!!)
my smile is gone...
woots!!
wish i could have continued chatting with u...
time's a constraint...
Staring blankly ahead;
Just making my way through the crowd
Sunday, May 11, 2008 ; 7:06 PM
a whirlwind of events...
a huge thunderstorm of tears...
an earthquake of anger rattles the ground...
a unity thus formed...
a disrespect..
to one who i once looked up upon..
in one aspect
u failed....
we failed,yes no doubt we failed...
but its this failure that will bring us back up...
your words of anger that meant little...
were just little excerpts we could take as constructive comments...
a reflection...
a point ive taken in...
endless insults?something that i left it there...
a unity we formed..
abond we have created...
we HAVE to bring it SOMEWHERE before we LEAVE...
a dream to achieve....
I still want to maintain peace...
Staring blankly ahead;
Just making my way through the crowd
Thursday, May 08, 2008 ; 4:30 PM
dance..
a passion where we meet
by passion we let our friendship breed
by choice we make our passion grow...
and let our dreams succeed...
Ive join dance in poly for 2years and going...
and im glad and happy to be accepted in auditions for my club back in yr1..
for i had no dance background to start with..
back in secondary 1 i joined contemporary dance..
but i quited cz it wasnt benefitting at all as they did only ONE choreo for the ENTIRE year...
and ONE performance for that year only...how pathetic...
but after i quited they had a new dance instructor which was awesome...
he did nice pieces of choreo...
and i believe he is related to stagearts somehow..
cuz i saw him at one of our Stagearts production..
but anw i don't count my contemp dance as a background..
k..back to my dance...
we learned hiphop the first year..
and slowly transit into jazz syllabus training..
my year 1 dance experience was great..
the dance assessment was fun..we had to dress up for it..
rmb my team wearing yellow...
and i rmb jing wei saying tt he dun like to dance Don't cha cuz its girly..
it was fun and we had this competitive spirit to win other groups..
training was one hell of a shit...seriously...
the stretchings were crazy...but then it helped to discipline us...
there was this spirit of "one die all die together"
besides tt we had dance performances outdoor and indoors...
as much as our instructors want to put all of us up..
we still had to "fight" for our space to dance..
in a way show tt we are capable of having that spot to perform..
remember feeling jittery at my first dance performance at bishan park..
for ive never dance outdoors before..
we wore red and did locking..
we had other performances too..at thai embassy and all..
my first competition exposure was in SA too..
hiphophunt..
i was selected to be part of it....
i was super jittery abt it...
for i had no background at all compared to the rest around me..
rmb all the late night trainings...
rmb me rushing to Funan IT mall with weilin after attachment at SGH..
i ended attachment at 9pm and went to the dance studio there for a rehearsal with my team mates..
we ended at midnite but the senior team stayed on...
next was danceworks but we didnt really get to go for it...
and we were VERY disappointed(from what i noe from sha and beiyi)...
rmb me and beiyi with our younger sis actually went to watch danceworks that year tgt...
not forgetting being part of NYP musical was a great exposure too..
and that period of time i was having probs at home..
its those bittersweet memories of musical i love..
getting noe one another...
being there for one another...
and not only for SA but other dance groups in NYP...
there was alot of memories when i was a junior...
when my dance instructor was there...
when there was a spirit....
altho we get F-ed alot...but its all for the better of us...
Now...things are different...
i rmb zee asking me when she was putting on foundation for me for clubcrawl performance
"how come u look sad"
and i told her...because the feeling is different from last year's clubcrawl..
its sad...
Its not because of peter leaving us...maybe partly of tt??im not too sure..
but its just tt i don't feel the dancers dying spirit to perform...
no spirit...
there's this mindset like "its just a performance"
its not JUST a performance...
i rmb looking forward to my first clubcrawl performance..
but this time its GONE...
even during trainings..there was no "one die everyone die" concept...(As said by sha)
when zee talked to us on tues..that's what tt went thru my mind and alot more...
i wished i could have spoken up to her on tt day to tell her to stay..
but i guess ALL of us took for granted of her presence...
i felt i had no right to ask her to stay..
would the rest appreciate her too??
I can't guarantee her tt..and tt's y i didnt speak up but teared instead..
and the fact tt she had sacrificed/risked/injure her own rship cuz of us...
im one who dun reveal my real inner feelings..
im emotionally handicapped and tts y..
and if not cuz of alumni like her coming back to help us..
the club wud not have survived...
and zee..like i said i dun say my feelings out....
but just wanna let u know i love ur choreos....
and i felt u and teared when u danced because of u the other day when u showed us solo for clubcrawl's preparation
im touched tt u had sacrificed ALOT for us!!thx alot...
dance is more than passion and i hope the remaining of us will work hard for it...
Staring blankly ahead;
Just making my way through the crowd
Saturday, May 03, 2008 ; 6:14 PM
Fate writes lifestories
but it is how you choose to run your life
Run the wrong path but its never too late to start over again
Its a matter of how you get back on the right track
i grew up in a neighbourhood of what some may say ghetto-like...
witnessing fights,glue sniffers,drug addicts..
rape and molest were sucha norm...
smoking was a way of life..
gangs were the people who provide support and company
i grew up in a neighbourhood where influences were strong..
im not that girl that now u know, who laughs and have no worries...
the innocent and green....
im the girl who unbelievably submits to those influences..
temptations were strong..
i ran the wrong path..
i plunged right deep in the hole of misery..
trust,freedom,justice..
all were gone...
nobody stood by me...
i had to worked my way back to come out of the hole..
i WORKED MY WAY to get trust back...
i build back my trust...and with that i gain my lil freedom...
my past was horrid..
but i learn my mistakes...
and i wish you learn yours too...
my heart aches to see you jumping into the hole of misery just like how i did..
u broke my heart with lies...
but i hope this incident made u mature...
i wish u read my entry...
for you are the one i cared for and advise so that u'll never be my history..
You can compare the different way ur brought up..
and im envious cuz ur way more fortunate than i am
than WE were/had to live...
ive never let u known my real emotions...
but my tears says it all...
my heart aches to let u go through this..
u have to grow up...
i'll give u the chance u need to grow up...
work ur way to gain back the trust u lost...
my heart shattered to pieces on 2nd may...
at the same time i wish he had known of it..
and made my heart smile at least for awhile...
Staring blankly ahead;
Just making my way through the crowd
Friday, May 02, 2008 ; 1:05 PM
alritey im back...
wee...
too muchthings happening ady..
too happening yr 3...
say i score for my social points...get to know more friends..
oh freak!can i scream??
I GOT MR X NUMBER!!!
well dancers should noe who mr X is...
he's so cute la...
i went gaga when he wanted to exchange number..
here's the scenario how we changed no..
so apparently he came on tues...
and talk talk WITH ME!
haha...
after talking outside studio...
me: uh...bye..cya next week..
Mr X: err....okay(still standing there)
me: byee...(Waves and wait for him to go...) ehk y u not goin arh...
Mr X: (Stood there) erm...ehk u want exchange number??
Me:(heart jumps up and down..) yea!
(at this point i was fishing for my handphone only to realise my phone was in the studio and that i was wearing a trackpants instead)
me:ugh..my hp inside ah..come i give u my number...
(took his hp,keyed my number and call)
"ka-chiing" got his number!!
ADDS SOCIAL POINT!!phiwit!
err not forgetting..i actually asked him a personal qn...whether he's straight..haha
okay dang!i ought to be shot...!
and he's asking to meet up....in skul!!!
okay enuff abt guys...
alot of guys story laa
...but i dun wan to squeeze everything here..
glad to have my social wings up again and soaring high...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
anw,ystd when to true yoga to try out their dance class..
they had jazz..and i wanted to try it out..
but dang..its damn basic..maybe an intro for those who duno wat jazz is abt...
but for awhile i felt like a pro cuz i could do all the steps...
for those who already noe wat jazz is abt see the choreo and u'll noe its damn easy...
choreo:eight counts jazz pose,4 sets kick ball change,3 sets open fan(okay dunno wat tt step is being called),pencil turn,pose,gallop 3 sets
fan kick,step up step back,chaine,down,pose(look up),side walk 2 times,pencil turn,end with jazz pose...
also did pirouttes turn...
is so basic..more like a warm up or training..
but enjoyed...
then had mat pilates..its good...
but i like yogalates better...did crunches to strengthen the core...
the exercises was also good to open up back muscles and strengthen it..
which i lacked alot!!
THANKS TO ZUL for intro-ing me to true yoga!!
and damn!!his accent like some duno white man with a slang...
phfft!!still can prnak me after that to ask me how's my lesson!!dang!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
went to meet up with the dancers after yoga...
long time never go out with them...
had great fun....
squeezing lil fir's stomach..his stomach damn small laa!!!the size of my palm...
miss danicng with him..
eating at ice monster..giving brainteasers to them..
taking neoprints...
cam-whoring like mad...
it was fun...
and crazy thing was tt they actually msg-ed peter tgt with the same msg to wish him bdae!!
I miss Peter!!aah!wished him bdae at 1am plus...and he actually can reply me calling me rub rub...
phfft!!
before i forget..i still haven return him his things..haha!!
okay till here then...
more stories soon!!goin to emeet mr X!lols!
wee~
i finally talked to him...lalalala!
Staring blankly ahead;
Just making my way through the crowd